One of the Guys

If there was any sort of label that could be associated with me, it'd be tomboy. For as long as I can remember I have always been a tomboy. As a child, I preferred playing with my brothers' action figures and Legos over playing with dolls. I also preferred rigorous outdoor activities over playing house. I think part of the reason I became a tomboy was because I really looked up to my older brother when I was a child. Another reason I think I became a tomboy was because I grew up with two brothers. Even so, I believe these are only surface reasons.

There are a few underlying reasons why my identity as a tomboy was solidified. I believe that the core reason for my tomboyishness is the fact that a few male figures, people I should have been able to trust, violated that trust. In other words, I subconsciously solidified my identity as a tomboy because I associated femininity as vulnerable and weak; things I was afraid to be. To this day, I still have trouble embracing my feminine side. Another reason I subconsciously solidified my tomboyishness is because I have a difficult time relating with males. I am much more at ease when I am accepted as "one of the guys," because I do not know how to respond to affection and advances from guys.

Through the pain and violation of trust I went through I became an extremely guarded and reserved person who trusts very few. I have improved quite a bit. For the longest time I only had close female friends, then I went to having mostly close female friends and one or two male friends, but now the number of my close female to male friend ratio is beginning to balance out. I am learning to open up more and trust people more. I still have trouble with allowing people to get to know me and I often times pendulum back and forth between letting people in only to push them away. I also go from allowing people to get to know me only allowing them to get to know a small portion of who I am.